i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize