I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
