i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
