I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
