I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just blew my weed a kiss
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
