I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
