Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize