He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
