I CAN MOONWALK!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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