No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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