he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
