My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
