you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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