somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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