i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Are we still banned from the library?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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