I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
