awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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