nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
