new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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