We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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