hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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