Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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