Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Let's get the cat blown out
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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