Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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