i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
