My balls are so social today.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
50% drunk capacity currently
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
