You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
