Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
