I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
