My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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