Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize