Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
