He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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