i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
