I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
