my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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