I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
