four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
