He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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