Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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