he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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