I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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