Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
