I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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