So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
