Can i not drive my cunt home
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
