I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
