I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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