I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
