my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
