Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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