i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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