textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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