The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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