if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I am available for nakedness
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
