She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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