The maid of honor just puked.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm too high and old for this...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
