I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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