Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
