He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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